I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
