Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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