I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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