he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
