My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Randomize
