Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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