i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
