God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
