My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
