you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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