quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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