So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
