You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
