I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
