I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
