Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
