i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
