I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
