11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Randomize
