He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
