Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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