At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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