I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
