I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
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