im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize