someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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