It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
