Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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