I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
