He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
you had me at cake vodka
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
