he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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