what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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