Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
