I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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