Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
