Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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