I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just want nice things and good sex
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
