You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
wow bdsm is so cute
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
