you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize