just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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