It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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