You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
