I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
