is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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