so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize