she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
