At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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