I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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