how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
