im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
