I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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