On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
