Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
