Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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