I'm lost and stupid without you.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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