why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
