Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
